


definitions of pain

by Astrisia



Category: How to Train Your Dragon (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Tragedy, Brutality, F/M, Headcanon, Heavy Angst, Lost Baby, Miscarriage, Post-How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:21:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29531883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astrisia/pseuds/Astrisia
Summary: They lost a child.They unexpectedly lost their happiness.Angst story about Astrid's miscarriage.He wanted to wake up at last.Why couldn't he wake up?
Relationships: Astrid Hofferson & Valka, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III & Valka, Hiccup Horrendous Haddock III/Astrid Hofferson
Comments: 7
Kudos: 22





	definitions of pain

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Herbasia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Herbasia/gifts).



**Anxiety.**  
The night was silent, though the north wind was moving the sails of the enormous ships docked in the docks. The stars were visible from every corner of the island, and the moon illuminated its surface, covering it with a silvery blanket.  
Hiccup Haddock winced slightly in his sleep as the sound of soft but quick footsteps reached his ears. He rolled over, tugging the fur towards him, wrapping his frozen, tired body.

 **Fear.**  
It was dark, though bright moonlight shone through the open window straight into their bedrooms. The silence was broken only by their quiet breathing and the soft pounding of their hearts, so close together.

Astrid Haddock's eyes flashed open, as if waking from a nightmare. She scanned the bedroom with a terrified glance, her gaze finally lingering on her husband's calm face. She smiled slightly as she slowly rose to a seat. She threw back the fur and swung her legs to the floor, standing up after a moment. The movement, even made so slowly, almost lazily, made her feel a slight pain in the area of the lower back. Instinctively, the woman's hand went to the rounded, pregnancy belly, to the baby who was asleep.

Most often she was awakened by the movements of the baby who was looking for the right position. He writhed inside her, not allowing her to sleep. But that night he was quite calm, she hardly felt his movements. She should have been worried, but she was celebrating this moment of peace instead.

She stretched and looked at the calm expression on Hiccup's face.

Her stomach almost rose in her throat as she felt sick. She covered her mouth with her hand and walked briskly towards the stairs. Her feet touched the cold floor, but she felt as if she was floating in the air. She gripped the railing, her hand tightly clenched until her knuckles turned white. She opened her mouth as if to scream, but the gag reflex was much stronger. She closed her eyes, taking two deep breaths, and the unpleasant sensation immediately subsided. In addition, she regained the use of her legs and went carefully to the ground floor.  
It was just the beginning.

**Nightmare.**  
His whole body felt as if it were falling. His fingers tightened on the sheet, trying to grab something that would save him from hitting the ground. Yet everything seemed so far away. He tried to scream, opened his mouth, but no sound left inside him, as if it stopped in his head. He winced, gasping for breath, struggling against his pounding heart.  
He heard a scream - a terrifying, loud, almost high-pitched scream.

He woke up suddenly, drenched in sweat and flooded with gloomy images that still swirled in his head for a moment, though he begged with all his might for them to disappear. He sat up in bed, completely exhausted by a bad dream, which he preferred not to bring back. He knew that he would not fall asleep now, that he would not be able to rest. But he looked to the right side of the large bed. He hoped that the sight of his beloved would somehow blur the unpleasant images and soothe his tangled thoughts.

She was not there.

**Horror.**  
She had to sit down. On the floor. With a cup of water in one hand.  
She took a deep breath, but as she let the air out of her lungs, she felt pain spread throughout her body.

"Hiccup," she whispered as softly as she could, closing her eyes and tilting her head. For a moment she was just breathing, gathering strength, when suddenly a sharp pain shot through her abdomen and her muscles contracted violently, taking her breath away.

It could be seconds, maybe minutes, maybe hours. Time rushed forward, taking away her last moments. Taking away their last moments. Together.

**Scream.**  
Short, as if torn off, escaping her throat, full of despair and full of tears, suffocated.  
Hiccup was roused from his sleep and set upright almost immediately. He tossed the fur aside hurriedly, noticing Astrid's absence on the other side of their wide bed. He hastily put on the prosthetic and threw off his shirt, then hurried down the stairs.

The hearth illuminated a large part of the lower hut. The man still couldn't find his wife, whom he heard screaming. He walked quickly to the little kitchen and then he saw her.

She was kneeling on the floor in tears. And in the blood.

She was propping up with her hands as if she was about to fall. There was a lot of blood around her. The entire bottom of her shirt was soaked with blood, and there was a stench of blood in the air.  
He walked over to her quickly and knelt, ignoring the mess. He felt an icy chill run down his back, tears welled up in his eyes, but he wiped them away quickly.

"Astrid?"

"Everything is fine. Just give me a minute, wait a minute," she trailed off, feeling another strong and painful contraction. Her body forced her to push, though she tried hard to stop it. Unrestrained sobbing shook her, and tears rolled down her cheeks.

Hiccup reacted quickly; he helped her sit up so she could lean on his body. He felt warm blood on his hands. He clenched his teeth with all his might not to burst into tears. Not now.

"Everything's gonna be okay soon," she said, her hands disappearing under her nightgown. The puddle around them grew larger and the blood was draining faster and faster.

"Astrid!" He almost shouted, reacting quickly.

"It's too early, Hiccup. He has to come back, he has to come back to me," she whispered, and he reacted quickly, wrapping his hands around her wrists, pulling them out. Blood ran down their fingers, staining their night clothes.

"You have to give birth, Ast," he said, though he had a feeling the words hadn't left his mouth at all. He did not want it to be so. He didn't want to say that. He didn't want the baby to be born three months too early.

She let out a groan. Or a whine? He wasn't sure.

He wanted to take away the pain. He wanted to feel him as acutely as possible, leaving her with only remnants of hope. He wanted her smile, he wanted the calm look in her eyes, he wanted a gentle breath that could caress his neck. He wished it would not disappear. Not for forever.

"Shhh..." he whispered into her hair, closing her in his arms. Astrid screamed, digging her fingers into his lap. She gritted her teeth tightly, feeling another wave of contractions spill over her body and warm blood spilling onto the floor once more. Hiccup closed his eyes, unable to see her suffering. 

"Hiccup," she moaned softly, suddenly leaning forward. Her hands slipped under her shirt again, but this time she just pulled the baby out. A tiny creature.

The tiny baby who did not cry, did not move. A tiny child that was dead.

"Please, you have to do something, Hiccup. You have to save he" Astrid sobbed, hugging the baby to her chest. The man felt tears running down his cheeks, but he couldn't wipe them off.

**Silence.**  
He couldn't find the words.

"He's dead, Ast," he whispered, unable to speak louder. The woman looked at him in disbelief, never letting go of the baby. Their descendant, their joys, their happiness for which they have waited so long and strived for so long.

"You have to give them back to me," he said, clearing his throat softly.

"No, Hiccup, please don't take him away from me," she said. Hiccup didn't have the conscience to do this, but he knew it wouldn't get them anywhere. It will only get worse. He watched Astrid, who was gently rocking the dead child, unable to understand why this must have happened to them. They were so happy, so proud that soon they would welcome the first child they had been waiting for.

"Astrid," he began, but was able to finish. What exactly was he going to tell her?

He stood up, feeling his legs tremble. He took a small knife from the table, then crouched down beside his wife and cut the umbilical cord.

He stared for a moment at the woman he loved most in the world, unable to believe it. He would close his eyes and when he opened them again he hoped it was just a bad dream, that he would wake up soon.

"He's not moving, Hiccup," Astrid whispered, with immense pain that almost tore her heart out. "It is my fault."

"No, honey. It's not your fault, you understand?" He knelt in a pool of blood, staring straight into her eyes. "You had no influence on it," he tried to convince her. 

The blonde squeezed her eyes tight, pulling the baby towards her. He looked at them with teary eyes, but took he from her, placing in his hands. He could hardly feel boy's weight. A few tears rolled down his cheeks involuntarily, though he tried his best to hold them back. He stared at the motionless body, breathing the last of his strength. Astrid swayed gently, trying to control her emotions, to calm her beating heart hard, but even firmly pressing her lower lip did not help. The silence, so far broken only by quiet sobbing, suddenly broke through a loud scream. A scream she could no longer contain. Tears ran rapidly down her cheeks, already wet.

Hiccup didn't know what to do.

He sat across from her, hiding his pain from her, fearing it would scare her. He wasn't looking at her. He could not. He tried not to blame himself for not being able to comfort her, but it didn't come easily to him. His whole body trembled and his legs went limp. Still, he tried to get up.

The baby in his hands suddenly gained weight. At least that was what he felt. It has become heavy as a stone. Hiccup set them down on a cloth, wrapping it with trembling hands. He leaned over the baby, once again allowing himself a moment of weakness. He wiped the blood off the baby's forehead with his thumb and kissed the baby. His mouth touched dead, already cool skin, and a sob suddenly escaped from his throat. He tried with all his might to stop it.  
He swallowed the enormous lump in haste and straightened. He looked down at Astrid, feeling himself losing control.

Someone had cut his wings, he felt him fall into a pool of blood.

He pulled his wife to him, hugging her with all his might. Choking a scream in her hair.

He put his arms around his world, never wanting to let it go again. Astrid lay down on his chest in almost total silence. She pursed her lips into a narrow line, suppressing all feelings, all emotions and all fears. Tears continuously rolled down his cheeks, dripping to the floor, mingling with the sticky blood.

"Someone has to see you," Hiccup whispered, his voice hanging in the heavy air. She wasn't sure if he was speaking to her or to himself. But he did say it, with his lips pressed against her hair. A mouth that sobbed softly and trembled. With the mouth with which he kissed her goodnight.

"No," she whispered barely audibly.

"Ast, someone has to see you," he repeated.

"I don't want them to know about it."

He also did not want to.

He wanted to wake up already. He wanted to wake up in tears, look around the bedroom, see his wife. Whole and healthy, with a six-month-old baby under the heart. He wanted to wipe away the tears, lie down, hug her, kiss her and smile. Fall asleep.  
But it wasn't a dream.

"I'll just be gone a minutes, honey. A few minutes," he promised, untangling her from his arms. He didn't have the heart to do this, she felt much calmed when he hugged her to him. However, he had to find someone she trusted enough to make sure everything was okay.

*******

Valka needed no explanation. All she had to do was see her son's face, his stooped form, as he stood in the middle of the night on the threshold of her hut. There were traces of tears on his cheeks, and his body trembled with sobs sustained with all his might.

She closed the door behind him as he slowly walked inside. She approached him cautiously, and he only stared into her eyes, seeking their only consolation, seeking hope. Valka wrapped her arms around him, locking him in a motherly embrace. He seemed so emotional; pain and fear took complete control of him. The tears still ran down her cheeks as if they were never going to end.  
"There was nothing I could do," he whispered guiltily. His voice quickly turned into a sob that he could no longer suppress. - I couldn't help her.

 **Mask of pain.**  
He donned a mask that covered a wise leader and a wonderful son; she discovered a truth that had nothing to do with superiority and greatness. The fall of man.

"Shh..." Valka rocked him gently in her arms, as if she were guessing what had happened.

She didn't sleep well that night. She had no idea what this condition might be caused, however, when she saw her own son on the doorstep, she knew something bad had happened.

She hugged Hiccup, trying to silence his rushing thoughts, quench his suffering. He felt safe, though for this one fleeting moment. He knew that during these several seconds he might be the weakest person on earth, because he had someone with him who he did not have to pretend to.

"I have to go back to her, she shouldn't be alone," he whispered, moving away from his mother. He rubbed his face slowly, but he couldn't hold back the more tears that suddenly spilled from under his eyelids.

"I'll go with you," she said resolutely, quickly tossing a warm fur over her back. She couldn't let him go alone now without finding out the whole truth.

*******

He took a deep breath just before he pressed the handle of the door to his house. Valka caught his every little movement, ready to support him at any moment.

The scent of blood hit them as she crossed the threshold. Valka lowered her head and stopped, covering her mouth with her hand. She couldn't take the next few steps. Hiccup froze as well, but he knew he couldn't break now. He had to be strong for Astrid.

**Steps.**  
His steps were silent, slow and clumsy.

His body trembled with pain and restrained emotions. He clenched his teeth with all his strength, lest the sobs burst from his throat and tear the heavy air filled with the scent of blood away.

And then he saw her. Kneeling on the floor in a bloody nightgown. She tried to scrub the floor with an old rag. He stared at her for a moment, mesmerized. Her hands were covered with blood, as were her knees and cheeks. She must have been wiping away tears a moment ago.

"Babe," he began softly, walking over to her. He crouched down beside his wife, trying to peacefully pull the cloth out of her hands. He didn't want her to do this. Astrid's fingers tightened on the material, however, preventing him from his intentions. He felt as if she hadn't paid any attention to him at all. He tried again, this time trying to pull her away from her activities and put her in his arms again.

"Leave me alone," she hissed, giving him an angry look. Her eyes were wild, glistening in the pale light of the candle burning on the table.

Hiccup sighed softly as he looked back down at the floor. But suddenly he realized something. He looked nervously around the kitchen.

"Astrid where... where is our baby?" He asked softly, the last word barely crossing his throat. The woman looked at him as if he was at least from another planet.

"How's that where? He sleeps peacefully in his cradle," she replied quietly.

Hiccup felt his heart leap into his throat. He shivered at the very thought of what she had just said. He cast a brief glance at his mother, and she seemed to read his request at once, then walked the distance between her and her daughter-in-law.

"I'll help you take a bath, Astrid," she offered as the young woman resumed scrubbing the bloody floor hard.

"I can handle it," the blonde muttered, not even taking her eyes off her own hands. Valka gave her son a sad look. There was a ray of warmth in her eyes. He trusted her, that's why he left.

**Steps.**  
His steps grew heavier.

It felt as if it was getting harder and harder with each step. He walked up the stairs slowly, as if he was still putting off a moment when he would brutally collide with reality. The prosthesis struck softly against the wooden floor as he made hesitant steps, still forward and forward.

He stopped in front of the door.  
He put his hand on the wood, feeling the gouges he had under his fingers.

"Children like to touch different surfaces. Besides, it looks very aesthetic," said Hiccup as his wife watched him pick out shapes in the wood with precision and extraordinary accuracy. "It will be beautiful, you'll see."

He opened the door, peering cautiously into the room.  
Everything was in place, just like the last time he left. The only change was a crumpled blanket slung over the cradle.  
Hiccup wanted to slam the door immediately and leave. Erase everything he had seen in the last hour.  
He wanted to wake up at last.  
Why couldn't he wake up?

"Here we can put a cradle," Astrid said, pointing to one corner of the empty room. "There may be a small chest of drawers and a toy chest. And an armchair, necessarily in that corner."  
"This is your fourth vision, Astrid. We'll do at least ten more change furnishings until the baby is born," he laughed.

They did not manage to make ten changes to the furniture.  
They were three months away from reaching that number.  
He realized it suddenly, as if moving the furniture was the most important thing now. He slipped into the room and quietly closed the door. He could snap them shut, push them hard, make them hit the doorframe with a bang, and yet… the silence was something he felt was right.

"I like nights like this," she whispered, her head on his shoulder, lying on the floor of the baby's room, staring out the window at the silvery moon and millions of stars, millions of kilometers away. Hiccup smiled and wrapped his arms around her, placing his hands on his wife's gently rounded belly where their baby was developing. He was so happy, he couldn't put his happiness into words. Well, could you describe the overwhelming happiness of a person?

Was it possible to describe the pain that spread in a man's heart as he looked at his tiny baby wrapped in a warm blanket? It seemed as if it was only asleep, though his chest did not rise or fall.

Hiccup gently lifted the blanket in which the baby was wrapped, noticing a tiny body dressed in far too large rompers. He held his breath, then pushed off the crib and backed away on wobbly limbs. He couldn't breathe, couldn't scream or think. He could feel it falling... deep down.

*******

Valka rolled up the sleeves of her shirt and dipped her hands in the water to check its temperature. Astrid sat in the chair next to him, watching the woman for a long moment. She still couldn't shake the tears from her cheeks, still couldn't stop crying. Screaming mixed with sobbing, but she managed to keep it under control, still not tears. She appreciated Valka's presence; she calmed her down.

"Sorry," Astrid whispered. The woman turned sharply, looking her straight in the eye. The blonde's gaze was shocking, piercing with pain and terror, helplessness. Valka looked at her gently, non-judgmentally, the way a mother should look at her own child.

"I'm sorry I couldn't save him," she added, even more softly, looking down. "He wanted this baby so badly. We both wanted to. And I... I ruined everything."

Valka's lips twitched.

**Stopping crying.**  
It was a difficult trick, reserved only for persistent people who had to be tough with their loved ones. They broke down in the privacy of their homes, in their own dark corners, away from the sight of people who needed help. They died alone in pain, tears drying on their cheeks, knowing that they were still strong in the eyes of others. Undefeates. Expendables.

"There was nothing you could do, Astrid. Nobody's blaming you for anything."

"People will start talking about it eventually. They were right, I am not fit for bearing children."

**Memories.**  
_"You should take a new wife," someone said, giving Valka a judging glance. She lost her third child. It died before her eyes, moments after she let out her first scream. Nobody knew the reason, they all shrugged their shoulders, came and went. She was alone._

_Stoick shook his head but said nothing. Instead, he turned to her, took her hand, and led her to their hut on the hill.  
For some time he seemed to be more silent, as if he masked all his feelings."Valka," he whispered as she wanted to leave. He sat by the fire, staring at the dancing flames.  
"They're right," she whispered back without turning around. She felt his gaze on her back. She heard him stand up and walk over to her, embracing her gently. She was still sore from a recent failed delivery.  
"No, Val. They're not right. Someday we'll make it, honey. Someday we will succeed.  
He kissed her and she closed her eyes, feeling her body sway gently. He tried to calm her down, fix her, give her hope and time. He was understanding. And he loved her. He loved her with all his heart._

**Guilt and punishment.**  
There was no fault, and there was no punishment.  
Nature and human fate were to blame, and he was punished by unimaginable pain that wreaked destruction.

"Neither of you is to blame, Astrid. Just like that… it happens sometimes. Nobody knows why," Valka said calmly, helping the young woman get dressed. The bath was not the most pleasant; the sight of blood made the blonde want to throw up; the fragrance was not tarnished by oils.

"Why us?"

The question hung in the air. It was so silent and so innocent. Nobody knew the answer.

*******

Hiccup found himself staring at the child's closed eyelids; on stroking his cold cheek; on touching the soft blanket that was Heather's gift. A scream hit his lips. He wanted to scream, drop something, ruin.

 **Walls.**  
It was surrounded by walls, high, cold walls. He felt as if he was running out of air, the cage tightened, trapping him, not allowing him to move. He fidgeted, hit the icy stones with all his might, but they did not yield, did not crack, did not fall apart...  
Just his heart - it broke into millions of pieces.

She hugged him to her, pulled him close, and hugged him as he thrashed in spasms of pain. She hugged him to her own body, closing him off from the world. She stroked his head, combing her hair, kissing his temples, forehead, his cheeks. She was wiping away flowing tears.

"I'm here, son," she whispered as he hugged him tightly, shouting out his pain. "I'm here."

*******

**Sunrise.**  
They love sunrises. The grass is still covered with dew, and the cool breeze makes the tears almost freeze and vanish.  
The beginning of a new day is like the beginning of a new life, even if the night takes away a tiny being, closing its eyes and stopping its heart. Sunrise is the hope to find happiness in your new life.

"Zephyr, watch out!" Hiccup shouts, running towards the girl to keep her from slipping and falling into a small lake. The girl, however, does not stop, jumping and clapping her hands, laughing merrily.  
It is early in the morning, the whole village is still peacefully asleep, but they cannot sleep. Something is in the air, some feeling pushes them out, makes them want to wander.

Astrid smiles broadly as she places her hand on her gently rounded belly. He looks at her husband, who suddenly catches the girl and picks her up sharply. Her squeal spreads around, and the birds awakened from sleep take to the sky.

_"We'll be fine," he whispered, kissing her gently on the temple as he watched the flames take their little baby away. They feel warm on their faces, but they do not move away from the damp grass. They are alone. They didn't want anyone else here. It was better, easier.  
Saying goodbye is difficult, but coming to terms with reality turns out to be much more difficult.  
"We will always love you, baby," she whispered._

"Zephyr," Hiccup laughs as the girl squirms in his arms.

 **Hope.**  
It is indestructible.

 **Love.**  
It is ubiquitous.

 **Pain.**  
It is still in their hearts. Every day, every moment of life. It is a fragile, thin line that is easy to cross, but hard to overcome.

"Mommy, this is for you," the girl says, holding her hand up and handing Astrid a small bouquet of wildflowers. Her jagged smile is everything. It makes the bad thoughts drain away, the tears come back inside, and the lips stop trembling, they can only laugh.

"Thank you, baby. Thank you for being here," Astrid whispers, crouching in front of his daughter.

It allows you to hug and fall on your back.

Her hair is drowning in the wet grass and a laugh comes out of her heart. She tickles Zephyr, watches Hiccup join them.

This is their own definition of _happiness_.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> *give you some tissues*  
> I encourage you to express your opinion! 🥰


End file.
